Happiness
by KayleighM
Summary: *COMPLETE* "Are you happy?" Sentimental, thoughtful fluff. Cal/Gillian
1. Chapter 1

**Ok, this is going to be a really long authors note for a really short story. Bear with me or if not, scroll down dears. ;)**

**I need to thank people. People being everyone who reads and reviews my stuff. Seriously, you guys have no idea how happy each and every review makes me. So thank you. To all the people who have r&r for each and every one of my fics. The love I have for you is close to my love for sugar.**

**To all my favourite girls over on Twitter. :) Thank you for putting up with my moaning, my hate for everything I write, my late nights and my emails. I wouldn't be posting any of these if it wasn't for you!**

**So this one is gonna be a multi-chap (which as you can see I usually avoid like the plague because I get bored and don't finish them) but I have a lot of ideas for ways this one could go so here's hoping! I'm still trying to kind of find my way with my writing. The styles and rhythm of this may change during the fic. **

**Also. Very short chapters will be very short. I'll try to update quickly because of that! Ok, done!**

**Disclaimer: In some dreams LTM is mine and Cal and Gillian are together. (Or Gillian and I... wait... what?)**

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"Are you happy?" He asks with a serious look on his face that alarms her.

She laughs, as if to break the tension.

"Why wouldn't I be happy?"

"Foster, I don't even need to tell you that's a deflection."

"Ok... Yes, I am happy, as happy as the next person."

"Define the next person? I don't want you to just be as happy as the next person, love. I want you to be… bloody ecstatic. Delighted. Gleeful."

She laughs again and he smiles.

"Ok, find me some ice cream and I'll be joyous."

"That seems a tad too easy." his eyes crinkle at the corners.

"What can I say? I'm a low maintenance type of girl." She smiles.

Her face changes and suddenly she's looking at him intensely.

"Are you?"

"Huh?"

"Happy?"

"As happy as the next person, love."

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**Ok, I need your thoughts and constructive criticism if you please. Testing the waters with this fic. ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all of your lovely reviews. :)**

**Ok, so this chapter did not go as planned. But, well, my day didn't go as planned. This is probably too short and a mess but it's what came out.**

**Frequent updates may mean varying chapter lengths. ;)

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She's not sure why he asked that question or what his reasoning behind it was. Was there even a reason?

She feels tension building up in her neck and for a second her breathing quickens and her tightly fitted dress seems just that bit too tight.

She takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and relaxes.

Sometimes she feels like happiness is just outside of her reach.

She feels like she's chasing it all the time; running and running. She finally thinks that she has grasped it when someone carelessly whisks it away from her again.

But, generally, she is almost happy.

Sure, she is slightly broken. But isn't everyone?

When it threatens to overwhelm her she reminds herself that she is still here.

Still breathing.

Still functioning.

Still alive.

And, well, what more can she ask for?

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**Ok, I hope you stick with me because, really, it can only get better from here. :S**

**Point will emerge in a chapter or two.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Yay for a slightly longer chapter!**

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He doesn't think she realises just how serious he was when he asked her if she was happy. He needed an answer. He needed a sign. Some sort of indication that she could use a bit of a change in her life.

He has come to realise in recent times just how much his happiness relies on hers. When she is sad it feels like his world is crumbling. When she's happy… Well, he just doesn't want to leave her side.

He has come to build his world around her.

When this began, he isn't too sure.

But he knows that he wants her in his life and at some point she became one of the most vital parts to it.

He wants to be around her as much as possible, just in the room with her. So he can watch her. Watch the way she moves, the way she works, the way she is. It hypnotises him.

He wants to have dinner with her every night. Not just the ones where they work lat and have no choice. He wants to sit there with her, make her laugh, see the cute way she nibbles at her food. He wants to order dessert with her and then watch as she eats both her own and his. He wants to be able to help her put on her coat and wrap his arm around her waist. He wants to open the car door for her. He wants to drive her home.

_Their _home.

Where he can kiss her goodnight.

Where he can lie in bed next to her and watch her sleep.

Where he can wake her up every morning with pancakes or pudding.

His happiness, he knows, revolves around her.

His world does too.

He could've stopped it happening. He knows this. He could have backed off when he felt he was getting in too deep; but he liked the way she made him feel. He liked how safe she was, how much seeing her made him feel like nothing could go wrong.

That feeling isn't usual for him. It's mostly passion. Burning passion and desire. Lust. Fantasies. Brief moments of pleasure that, in the end, didn't help at all.

But with her, it's like something has grown from knowing her inside and out. From friends to... What? What does he want?

Does it matter? Would she want the same? Or would it be a disaster waiting to happen.

As much as he wants it, he knows that inevitably, in the end he would hurt her.

And killing his chance of happiness or not he can't let that happen.

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**Ok, lovelies. Thanks for the reviews for the last chap! :)**

**But. I am getting no ****(constructive) ****criticism. And I'm sure some of you have some floating around somewhere. **

**HIT ME WITH IT PLEASE. :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter gave me much trouble. In the form of re-writing about 10 times. No joke. I _think_ I like what I've ended up with though. So it's slightly worth it. Still direction with this is hazy, but I'm getting there.**

**Also, one thing. I worry about the dialogue I write and if it actually comes across as being _them. _So tell me what you think?**

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Studying her face from across the room he sighs.

"Fine, make fun of me and my serious question."

She rolls her eyes and he tries not to show that he's a little hurt. She doesn't understand how much he really does care for her.

But how would she know?

She thinks that she can read him and sure, at times, he lets things slip through the cracks in his usually reinforced mask... but not this. If she knew how deep everything went… Well, he can't risk it. He can't risk her. So he resigns himself to asking questions which she deems as meaningless.

When really, it's all he has to offer.

It's all he needs to know. As long as she is happy he is doing something right, one point of his life is in order. And if he is honest with himself, he likes that fact.

"Ok, Cal. I am happy. I'm happy."

She smiles. He notices it doesn't reach her eyes.

To read or not to read?

That_ isn't_ the question.

The question is… Does he call her out on what he reads?

"You sure?"

"Of course."

She rises from her chair and comes to sit next to you.

"Then why isn't your face?"

"My face… What?"

"Why… isn't your face happy?"

He jabs a finger in the direction of her face and waggles it around accusingly. She gives him a look.

"Alright… Alright. I get the message, love. It's just… Right there…"

His finger goes in the direction of her eyes.

She sighs. She knows that he sees it all. She wonders why she bothers pretending. But if she doesn't then he's allowed to ask questions. Which would lead to the obvious. And while it's all well and good to imagine how it could be between them... Actually getting to the stage where it could be a possibility... It scares her. It scares her that she has no control over her emotions. It terrifies her that when it comes to him, she has everything to lose.

"I answered, Cal. Your turn."

His eyes flicker away from hers and his head turns in the opposite direction. His finger taps on his leg and he realises too late. She's already noticed.

He could lie.

Or he could tell the truth.

Truth or happiness?

For the first time the answer to this question is happiness. Hers to be specific.

"I'm ah... I'm satisfied. Yeah. That."

"_That_ is not an answer."

Truth or happiness? The mask goes on, and he thinks it's possibly the best mask he's ever had.

"I am positively ecstatic."

She looks convinced and for that he is grateful.

But she watches him. She knows. But she also knows that he thinks she doesn't see it. And that suits her fine. He has no idea that she's been able to see through him for years.

He isn't happy. And neither is she.

Unhappy apart. Happy together?

She almost laughs to herself.

As if.

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***strolls off into the sunlight* (or moonlight since that's more appropriate right now)**


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't even know anymore. Irrelevant fic keeps coming out. **

**5 chapters left? ****I think... but ****I do have an ending now. :) (Although it is undecided for fluff/angst for the moment ;))**

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Sometimes she longs for the old days before she saw everything. When a smile was just a smile and a stolen glance in her direction held no meaning. When happiness wasn't complicated and when she was able to trust people, even if they didn't deserve it.

She always wanted to know what people were thinking.

Now that she can see it she wishes she didn't.

She wishes she had gone in some other direction with her life.

A direction that was more simple.

One that actually allowed her to feel the happiness she knows she deserves.

She wonders what her life would be like if she was oblivious to the lies everyone tells. She could have a conversation with someone without seeing everything they don't want her to see.

She loves her job. She just wishes that she could turn it off.

She wishes that he had told her what the consequences of working with him would be. Sure, she saw things before they became partners, but now, she sees too much.

It holds her back.

Keeps her from trusting anyone.

Except him.

And really, that is why she'll always end up coming back to him. She has no one else; he is the only one who understands. The only one with that same problem as her; trust issues, failed relationships. Time after time she jumps and time after time she falls. She has gotten sick of it.

Maybe, she thinks, he could be the one to catch her?

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*hides***


	6. Chapter 6

**So I had a plan for my last three chapters (LOLOLOL. We all know how that goes. :P) I just had to write this and the next one to fit in. **

**But anyway, I was doing my chemistry homework and this came to mind. I wrote it and it completely trashed and destroyed all my plans for the rest of the fic. **

**SO. Here's to finding a new plan. xD**

**Chapter 6 my dears. :)**

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He sits quietly.

She has just left the office. She popped her head in his door to say goodbye and to tell him not to stay there all night.

He laughed and told her not to worry.

He is the only one left now. He likes how quiet it is.

As if a thought has suddenly struck him he gets up out of his chair and walks the short distance to her office. He opens the door gently and steps into her domain. He feels like he shouldn't be there without her tapping away at her keyboard.

Noticing how the blinds are open he admires the way the moonlight illuminates her desk. In stark contrast to his own desk hers is completely in order. Files here, notepads there. Pens in a holder with a tub of liquorice beside them. He smiles.

He sits in her chair and tries to imagine what thoughts run through her mind everyday. Does she think of him as often as he thinks of her?

His mind drifts and he wonders if there is anyone in the world who is good enough for her?

He doesn't think so.

She is too perfect, too pure, too astounding for any man to be worthy of.

He has watched men try, and inevitably fail, to win her heart.

Somewhere in the middle of it all he realised why none of them could.

She gave her heart to him.

He took it from her, wrapped it up, gently put it in a box and stored it away to be used at a more appropriate time.

For some reason he had a notion that eventually he would be good enough for her. He is now resigning himself to the fact that maybe he never will be.

That he probably will never be good enough.

But, maybe he could just be… enough?

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I love when you read. I love even more when you review. (THAT WAS A SUBTLE HINT. TAKE IT. ;))**


	7. Chapter 7

**This took a looooong time. I was in a very angsty mood and that wasn't the way I wanted to go with this. ;)**

**I re-wrote and re-wrote and here it is. ;)**

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She's laughing at something Loker said, her eyes crinkle at the corners and he can't help but smile. He looks away before she catches him staring at her.

She sees him and walks over with papers in her hands

"Morning."

She grabs his arm and thrusts the paperwork into his stunned grip.

"Present for you." she smiles slyly. "I'm busy and Cal... So help me God, if you do not do this paperwork-"

"What, Foster?" he waggles his eyebrows. "You gonna hurt me?"

"Oh, don't underestimate me, _love_."

He can't help but let out a loud laugh at the serious look on her face and the sparkling amusement in her eyes.

"Alright, boss." he salutes her and stalks off to his office.

She looks at Loker and sees a strange expression on his face.

"Yes?"

"Gillian... Dr. Foster... You know that... He..." he fumbles.

She just looks at him waiting expectantly. She wonders if his radical honesty will be a factor in his next sentence.

He apparently decides to shut up.

"Nothing..."

"Loker, could you analyse the video rather than Cal and I, please?"

"Sure thing."

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Later in her office there's a knock at her door. Without waiting for an answer he strolls in holding what looks like completed paperwork.

She doesn't dare to hope.

"Generally the point of knocking on someone's door is to wait and see if they let you in."

"Yeah? Well I figured that your office is my office."

She raises her eyebrow.

"And... My office is your office?"

He grins at the satisfied look on her face.

"Deal."

He places the bundle of papers on her desk.

"Present for you, love."

She flips through them. He watches the surprise on her face when she finds his messy writing filling all the pages.

"Seriously? You... Wait. What's the catch, Cal?"

"Gillian." he feigns shock. "I can't believe you think I would have an ulterior motive with paperwork."

"You might as well tell me now while you're here."

His grin seems to get wider.

"Have dinner with me?"

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More fluff to come. Also, next chapter is the last! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

**Aww, you guys. Usually you are so terrible at reviewing (LMAO) but I've been OVERWHELMED with the response to this. Thank you all so so much. To the people who have read & reviewed since the very beginning and the people who fell in along the way.**

**This was kind of a test for me? A different style to the type of stuff I've been doing! It may be my last multi-chap because I've had trouble with it. xD**

**Also, this chapter is not what you are all expecting. Just so you all know. :)**

**Well, I hope you it. :D**

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Sometimes being happy isn't as hard as we first expect. Sometimes you work it up to a stage where you are so terrified that you don't realise it's the only thing holding you back.

Being happy isn't difficult. The difficult part is making those choices that will bring us happiness. Sometimes past choices hold you from making present ones. They cloud your judgement and make you believe that you will never be truly happy. That you could never be worthy of it.

Sometimes you think that you have to make a huge leap, when all you really need is a minuscule step in the right direction.

A guy in his car is stuck in traffic. He watches as a woman is guided out of a restaurant by a man in jeans. She is in a red dress and the smile on her face is infectious.

He watches as the man takes her hand and pulls her towards him. She looks surprised but she goes along with it. He leans in close to her and places a soft kiss on her lips; he leans back as if to gauge her reaction.

Her face is a picture of pure joy, happiness. She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses him again.

There is a sudden beep and they break apart. The guy in the car realises that the traffic has moved on. He shakes his head and laughs to himself.

As he drives forward Loker makes a mental note to tell Ria that those two have finally figured it out.

Happiness isn't some grand gesture. It's not some intimidating leap into the unknown. It's a small step towards the person you want to make happy.

It's him being able to wrap his arm around her waist and take her home.

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**I know it was short. But I had this pretty much in my head since the beginning so I wasn't gonna change it. :)**

**Thanks again for reading and for everyone who told me what they thought. :)**

***hugs all of you***


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